[During sex]
Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting
Me: It helps me in bed
Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS
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Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”
Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness
I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.
Waiter: May I take your order?
Yes, roll over and play dead!
Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.
Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.