I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
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date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more
me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind
Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.
we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed
Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.
[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
[getting arrested for public nudity]
Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD
Me: …
Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD
What I say:
Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the carWhat my kids hear:
Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking
centipede: *gets down on one knee*
girlfriend: omg
centipede: *puts down second knee*
girlfriend: uhm…okay
centipede: *puts down third knee*
girlfriend: please stop
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.
Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.
I have this recurring nightmare where I’m vegan and religiously doing crossfit, but I’m stuck on a deserted island and there is no one to tell.
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
SNAIL: I’m a turtle?
GOD: No, you’re a snail
SNAIL: I have a shell
GOD: Yup
SNAIL: and I move really slowly
GOD: Yeah, all the time
SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?
GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing
[blind date]
(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)
“So what do u do?”
Well, I’m like a-
[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]
Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet