I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
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Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late
Biden: I gave him the wrong address
Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect
Biden: idgaf what they call him
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.
“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”
“Any sides?”
“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”
Smallpox sounds so adorable
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]
Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.
-Bowser K.
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
Cop: You’re wanted for murder
Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?
Cop: What?
Me: Huh?
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
Going into a teenagers room is like going to IKEA…
You only go in for one thing, but you come out with 6 mugs, a cake tin, and a set of cutlery!
me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?
Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?
[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.
You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
[first date]
him: what’s the one word that best describes you?
me: I’m acerbic
him: I’ve never met anyone from Acerbia
me: no it means I have a sharp tongue
him: I bet that comes in handy when you’re chewing your food
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.
Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.
I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.
The pharmacist smiles kindly.
@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.
Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*
Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”
Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”