i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.
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Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.
So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.
Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.
Is it because I’m brown??
I miss the days where someone would tell us shit like “Mick Jagger is Kesha’s dad” and we’d all just believe it for months because it didn’t matter if it was true or not
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM
My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
[first time paying taxes]
me: how much do I owe?
irs: 🙂
me: am I supposed to guess?
irs: :)))
me: what if I guess wrong?
irs: :))))))))))))))))))
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…
People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
My favourite drivers are the designated ones.
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.
Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope
Hubs: Columbus discovered America not asking for directions so why do I.
Me: He set out for India and went the wrong way.
Hubs: Oh.
Me: Yep.
(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?
Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?
Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.