I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
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Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?
Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.
“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”
– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
Name this drama.
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
This did not end as expected.
Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”
[blind date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a customer service representative.
Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.
why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish