@Glynner85: I hate when The Little Mermaid is all "who cares no big deal I want more!" Like, you already have 20 thingamabobs you aquatic scumbag relax
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@bafeldman: *jk rowling wakes up* what’s today’s tweet *spins large bingo cage* hagrid… is… pansexual and… he later joined isis
@davidschneider: God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how's 2016 been? Did you cope OK? Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.
@AGStr8upNinja: Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that's not your Ferrari?
@WilliamAder: Pretty sure the guy who named them "walkie talkies" got fired before he could name other military equipment.