I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
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The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
RANGER: watch out for wolves
ME: oh ya?
RANGER: so relentless-
[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..
“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
Me: But what will I eat?
Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*
Me:
Nutritionist:
Me: But what will I eat?
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
After moving approximately 35 times in about as many years I’m here to tell you that you’ll keep the people who matter most. What you’ll miss are the restaurants.
Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.
Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.
People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
[introducing my children]
…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*
Girl: do bad things to me babe
Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?