8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.
Me: Your old shoes were red, too.
8: These are redder.
You Might Also Like
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”
Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I back into a parking spot at the grocery store when she’s in the passenger seat with cars waiting on her side.
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.
Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break