I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
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You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.
My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced
Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
I was helping my son with his homework and I told him that the language attorneys use with all that legal jargon was called ‘Courtugese’ and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.
Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.
ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
Him:When do you get off?
Me: Usually once you go to sleep
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car
If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.
People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
Me: *watching the driver of the hearse in front of us jump out, race to the back, open the door, peek in, and slam it shut* Well that’s disconcerting.
Son: Nah, it would be disconcerting if he ran away from the hearse.
Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car
Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car
Cops: oh well that’s different
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?
hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used