My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.
Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.
She’s right about both.
You Might Also Like
I know a bad idea when I see one.
The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right
1. make him chicken soup
2. tuck him in with the remote
3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
Life cycle of cat
It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”
“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.
[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”
How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised
I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.
[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*