I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
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me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man
If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date
But also the kind of friend that will make it say:
“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
[1st date]
HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?
ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives
Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.
A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture
Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.