I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
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Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.
Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
Overheard on the bus:
“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”
Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
I have two selves:
One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.
Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”
Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?
It’s not like I knew my fly was open!
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
The only good comments section online is on recipes
wut hotdog?
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.