I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
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How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*
Wife: What is that?
Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?
Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!
Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet
cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi
Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times
me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house
having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.
damn he’s good
Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any
also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?