@KoJo_Sunshine: I have 6 locks on my door. When I leave, I lock 3. So no matter how long somebody tries to pick the locks, they are always locking 3. Suckas
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@DomesticGoddss: Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I'm the proud owner of aisle 7.
@murrman5: [backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this? [next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
@truegritrumble: (Disney Dating Tips) 1.Kidnap Dad 2.Coerce Daughter 3.Awkward music-filled dates 4.Angry mob danger 5.Stockholm Syndrome -Beauty & the Beast
@squirrel74wkgn: "What's funny?" The microwave beeping as you walked backwards. "Why's that funny?" Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.