I have a black belt in leather
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I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
[middle school]
Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.
Teacher:
Me: mass genocide just to name one.
Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.
Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.
She’s right about both.
Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
[comes home from store]
Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?
Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream
Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
[at wife’s funeral]
Son: At least shes in heaven now
Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom