Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
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[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
how to have an accident 101
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.
Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.
Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
Everything reminds me of my ex
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.
I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”
my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that
Kids: Stay in school.
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.
If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.