I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
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Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.
The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 1
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: No, absolutely not.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 2
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: After you eat your real breakfast.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 3
Kid: What’s for breakfast?
Me: Popsicles.
you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.
McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings
I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
‘Mr lover lover mmmhm Mr lover lover, she call me Mr Boombastic, say me fantastic, touch me on the back, she say I’m Mr Ro.. mantic..’
Judge: *sigh* Again, please just state your first and last name for the court or you’re going to jail.
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
I got tired of arguing with my kids about screen time and also tired of telling them to plug in their devices, so I‘ve stopped charging them myself and now I don’t have to argue with the kids because their devices are all out of battery
[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that
21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off
51: “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to hurt when you button your pants”
me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…Now what do I do?
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird