I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”
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Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time
just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”
still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”
I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
“ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“RE-ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“ERROR. PASSWORDS MUST BE IDENTICAL”.
Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
Do you want contact-free delivery?
□ Yes
▣ No
“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”
*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”“sir…that’s a parrot”
Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.