I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.
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[shows her my bedroom]
And this is where the magic happens…
[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]
I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”
A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad
Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.
“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
Facebook memories be like
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
🤔😂😂
*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.
*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
I had a wonderful conversation sitting up front with a taxi driver. A great guy. Even let me try out my poor Mandarin on him. Then he said, “You look great. Really. Wonderful. Are you over 90?”
“I’m 83.”
“Really? You’re only 83?”
“Just drop me here. “
Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic
*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls