I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
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I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
S/o to @funTweeters .
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
You guys, we should do a shot. I’m gonna do a shot, who wants a shot?
~my favorite guy at the bar.
90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again
Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
[bursts into garage]
“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”
i’m trying to kill myself
“but you drive an electric car”
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…
I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.
My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?me: no