I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
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i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore
Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.
Anyway he’s dead now.
911, what’s your emergency?
Me (whispering): I’m holding a bagel in my right hand
Are you left handed?
No but I couldn’t use my right thumbprint to unlock my iPhone so I used the emergency button
Okay but why are you whispering?
I don’t want the killer to know I have a bagel
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES
I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
COP: License and registration please.
ME: *hands him $30 in Kohl’s cash*
COP: What do you think you’re doing?
ME: *slides him 20% Bed Bath & Beyond coupon*
COP: Have a good night.
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
Boss: what are you doing?!
Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale