“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”
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[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop
The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
Me: Are you done cleaning?
7-year-old: No.
Me: So what should you be doing?
7: Hiding.
She cleans like me.
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.
Me: A transplant?
Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.
Me:
Me: Why don’t we have a nice, romantic bubble bath?
Him: Sounds amazing*flash forward*
Him: I thought we’d be taking the bubble bath together
Me: (from the other tub) My tub is too small for two, you know that. And say “over” when you’re done talking on the walkie, babe
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.
When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.
my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
My brain is a bad influence on me
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss
My 4yo: *tiptoeing down the hallway 3 minutes after I tucked him in like he does every night.*
Me: *shouting from couch,* Go to bed!
4yo: *peeking head around the corner, surprised,* How did you know it was me?
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.
Types of Amazon reviews:
9,700 people: 5/5 stars. great toaster for the price!
283 people: 3/5 stars. decent toaster but can get stuck
5 people: 1/5 stars. awful quality, I ran it over with my truck and it broke
1 person: 0/5 stars. useless, I was trying to buy a blender
Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off