“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”
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DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS
1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS
I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it
Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
Tremendous stuff
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.
8yo: You’re annoying me!
10yo: No, you’re annoying me!
Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.
theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.
findings: I am going to barf very soon.
Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
My grandpa once shot a hornet’s nest with a shotgun and had to spend 4 hours hiding under a log until the swarm dissipated. What I’m saying is, I come from a long line of poor decision makers so you can only expect so much
Rose: I’ll never let go
Jack: are you sure aboat that lol
Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before
Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo
Rose: maybe you should let go
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.