“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies
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Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
Job interview…
Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”
“That’s correct.”
“Would you like to elaborate?”
“No.”
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
NOAH.THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?
Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
Don’t snitch tag.
Women are from Venus, men are wrong.
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
[taking a hearing test]
DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard
ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work
DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story