I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
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Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family
The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.
My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’
I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.
My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
Things I learned today:
1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.
Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still
Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me
Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
CSI: North Pole
Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.
Chief: Did you find hoof prints?
Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.