Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
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Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.
I like it thick and deep
Pizza
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”
PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that
If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.
Then I heard her stomach rumble.
my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats
Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.
Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.
A ghost story
[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacistHer: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
{first date}
Me: On my ACTUAL first date, Brian Beckwith caught a turtle for me and kissed me on the cheek
Date:…
Me: I’ve been chasing that high since kindergarten
Date: *leaves*
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
My Darling Petunia,
It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.
Gin and tonic is weird, sometimes I need a lime wedge and sometimes I need to tell everyone what’s on my mind and then pass out.
In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor