I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
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If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
karate teacher: shatter that board
me: *holding it up to my face* your whole family died here and I watched
teacher: not like that
board: *crying* yeah not like that
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it
me: just checkin to see if you’re ok, missed you at dinner
telemarketer who calls at the same time every day: oh hey it’s not a good time, can I call you back
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”
Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?
Me: *turns on the blender* What?
Husband: I said…
Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!
My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.
You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.
GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.
ANGEL: *sighs* Fine
GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month
every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again
Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.
i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch