Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
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[Annual Review]
Boss: how do you think you performed this year?
Me: *an accountant* I think I “excelled” at my job.
Boss: you’re fired.
Me: This is such an accrual profession.
Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”
My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults
Who knew 20yrs after Debate class I’d apply those skills to present arguments to 7yo on why pasta shapes don’t change the taste of pasta.
[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.
Help, I’m hurt.
Try Lavender.
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”
I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.
In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.
Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?