I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
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[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”
I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human
My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.
The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.
What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted
boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
ᵒ
Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
Scotland……because even the Romans needed to meet a group of people that made them say “Nah…just build a wall and keep an eye on em”
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me “William, HELLO!”
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you
Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!
Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
mafia boss: “i want you to send tony the rat a message”
me: “like what”
mafia boss: “a horses head or sumthin”
me: [sends txt: “hey tony 🐴”]
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.
DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?
ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.
DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.
Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.