I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
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‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro
cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
[fire]
EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.
All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.
*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
Pulling the sword from the stone and getting immediately embarrassed, freaking out, trying to jam it back in but it’s like a USB flipped over. Texting the girls “help”
they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings
“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.
Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister