I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.
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Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”
Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*
Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911
I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza
I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
Secret Panel HERE 🤘
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
HER: [being led out in cuffs]
HIM: “Why is she being arrested?”
COP: “Fraud.”
HIM: “I don’t understand.”
COP: “She was faking it, sir.”
HER: “I’m so sorry, Stan.”
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”
[napping on couch]
Son: wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok i’ll be the cops.
Son: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Son: why not?
Me: i’m waiting on a judge to sign your warrant.
Son: oh.
Me: [eyes still closed] I’ll let you know when it comes in.
Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash