I have a great story to tell u.
“Why don’t u just go write a book”
Wow, that’s-
“Don’t u dare say it-”
a novel idea.
“I’m moving out”
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When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
decorating my apartment
[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn