Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax
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i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.
Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.
Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.
Not messing around
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
Me: Please throw your trash away.
Child: I’m too tired!!
Same child 5 min later: [does nonstop super sprints at the park for 3 plus hours]
If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.
I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.
Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend
the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.
Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.
VILLAIN: *Stroking cat* I’ve been expec-
BOND: OMG your kitty is so cute! Can I pet him?!
V:*Whining* Tiiim, you said this was intimidating!
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
Once a married woman “gave me a piece of her mind,”bc her (also married) TC retweeted me. I didn’t RT him, nor did I know the dorks were ‘TCs,’ but ok. Then he sent me DMs to say she was crazy.I didn’t respond so he told me I was a snob.
Anyway, I hate it here. I’m never leaving
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”
I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.