“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
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A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
My biological clock is wheezing.
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.
[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
I only treason on days ending in y
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
{Jeopardy}
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.
Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
[being murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes