This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
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just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.
THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP
“No”
WE WON’T ASK AGAIN
“No”
Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again
If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.
Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.
Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!
Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house
One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.
I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.
brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
Friend: what are you doing for VD?
Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Friend: Valentine’s Day…
Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Once I spilled an ENTIRE cup of coffee in a cab and the driver started freaking out, but miraculously, it all landed in a cup holder, and I soaked it up with a sock. When we arrived, the cab driver got out to see zero spilled coffee in his cab and looked at me like a magician.
Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say
friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU
me: OH NO!
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.
My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*
Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.
I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *