I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
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20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.
ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimmewikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO
lmao
BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.
Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.
I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?
Me: It’s like writing his name on it.
4: So I-
Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.
*goes to bathroom
*takes out phone
*opens Twitter
*finishes
*pulls pants up
*flushes
*forgets to poop
There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?
God: Frig sakes.
Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.
Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now
My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.