I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.
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The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:
How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.
[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
Yet the one time I did, I got banned
Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
Holy crap this is wonderful
ME: And this is my daughter.
HIM: Aww, she’s adorable. Did you name her after the movie?
ME: *Holding my daughter, Air Bud: Golden Receiver* What movie?
“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.
waiter: “anything to drink?”
4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”
So, yeah, they’re always listening.
Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
Just a bush.
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task