ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.
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Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.
I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly
Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.
[At the restaurant]
Her: Can you pass the salt, please?
Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
Life is a suicide mission.
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.
‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW