CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
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I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day
Me: What have you written so far?
13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”
M: Good opener.
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
[PHONE]
“TSA, How can I help you?”
Me: “Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!”
Agent: “Umm…”
Me: “DAMMIT, HE’S STARVING!”
CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
*scuffle noises*
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!
Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!
Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”
WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?