I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
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Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.
OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?
Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
No. He’s not coming out to play
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.
Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby
My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.
When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
[Inventing Squash]
FRIEND: What are you doing?
ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall
FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!
5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?
I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.
As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.