I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
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When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
INVENTOR: it’s a machine that washes dishes
BOSS: what should we call it
GUY WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE: i have an idea
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Clark Kent: kryptonite
Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?
Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa
interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt
heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.
[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°
I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.
Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
My favorite animal is fried chicken.
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, accessThen check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check itI can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
A bear went into a bar.
“I’d like a whiskey…….
and coke.”
Bartender asks “why the long pause?”
Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.