I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.
Or help them move.
You Might Also Like
Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.
In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious
Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
Me, scrolling to find my birth year
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am
By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”
Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.
If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?
Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so
Doctor: Reese is a lovely name
Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”
My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.