I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.
You Might Also Like
[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11
Me: Why won’t my friends talk to me anymore
Also me: I’m hummuspilled. I’m going chickpea mode. I’m in my garbanzo era.
Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.
I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize
me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals