I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”
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Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa
DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: Pretty much but I have to fake some of the David Bowie parts because I’m not sure the words
my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.
I’m listening
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?
Happy Star Wars day!
I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
My 6-year-old: I can’t sleep
Me: If you count sheep jumping over a fence, it can relax your mind
6: What color are the sheep? Wait, what color is the fence? Wait, why are they jumping? WAIT, IS A WOLF GOING TO EAT THEM…?
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning