You Might Also Like
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?
ME: I took care of it.
BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.
APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane
ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool
If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
What’s dopamine is dopayours.
My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop
Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
Because I never explained otherwise, my son spent a good stretch of time in his childhood thinking that a vice principal at a school was there in case the principal was assassinated.
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?
Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.
If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this
I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron