They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl
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I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese
If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…
1995: …leave it, toilets are gross
Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.
Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.
Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.
*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight
Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
Why soy sad?
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace