I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.
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Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..
VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands
Me recordaron éste meme
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES
Also me: is 40
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.
Me: Neither are you.
Zen master: Oh bugger.
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.
The most unrealistic thing about Warrior Cats isn’t the talking cats it’s their names. I’ve been around feral cats; they wouldn’t call themselves Stormheart or whatev. More like: “I am called Lord Orange. Here are my finest warriors: Orange, Orange & Also Orange.”
How much for the goth pool noodles?
me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.
dermatologist: drink more water.
me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
[at the club]
Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots
Her: Just take them off
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]