My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
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Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.
Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.
Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.
Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.
Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.
*in a job interview*
No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker
Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*
Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.
If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.
I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours