I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
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On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.
Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch
MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
Him: If I am the King of Diamonds *pulls out ring*, will you be my Queen of Hearts?
Me: Put that away before you meet the Queen of Clubs
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
I did my first abdominal exercise since my 4 abdominal surgeries and I can say with absolute certainty that my abs are cake.
WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.
Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?
If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both
Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid
billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.