@omgthatspunny: I have an eating disorder; I'm about to eat dis order of fries, dis order of wings, and dis order of nuggets.
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@GrantTanaka: Wife: oh honey, I didn't marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.
@shutupmikeginn: My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
@WeissBrandon: Everyone quits smoking when they die, which sucks cause dying is a really stressful event that would be helped quite a bit by a cigarette.
@_GrahamPatrick: GUY #1: You free next week? GUY #2: Let me just check my dairy. GUY #1: You mean diary yeah? *cow walks by with "dentist 11.30" on it*