I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
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I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.
dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!
10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.
Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever
My dryer is celebrating lint.
Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel
Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.
Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?
1: GENIUS!
{Pixar Meet & Greet}
Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
“you are what you eat”
i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”
Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.
Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
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