I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
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ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.
Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-
Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Mom: we picked Bertha
Shakespere: oh god ew
HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking
ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there
[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!
shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”
Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.
My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”
“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”
Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.
MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods
my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.
“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.